Friday, June 30, 2006

Living and Dreaming

I know we're breathing. I know we're not bedridden. For both of these things I'm extremely grateful. Life still holds us. Death doesn't seem close, at least most of the time. But this life we're living is confusing. It's often gray and jumbled...sometimes it gets dark, but the darkness is more like a mosquito that comes and lands on you and is very annoying. Sometimes it stings, but then it's gone quick as it came. Mostly there is soft contentment even in the darkness, a peace that is beyond our understanding. For that I'm very thankful as well.

Housebound. Yes, I guess we are. We push ourselves not to be, but it's always a hard push. There are usually consequences afterwards that aren't fun - head and body aches that turn into colds, worsened fatigue, no food to eat because we haven't been at home preparing it and we're too allergic to pick up a pizza.

The world is out there. It continues. It tempts us. It rains and shines on us. We're apart from it even when we venture into it. People see us and don't understand why we weren't at this or that wedding or shower or the barbeque that they invited us to. We're existing in a way that makes it almost impossible to share much of ourselves or our resources. Making conversation is difficult when we're not part of everyone else's world.

We bring other worlds home from the library and the movie store. We enter them. The ability to do that is a gift we don't take for granted. We know we need those worlds. We live in those worlds until we can return to ours. Sometimes we're in those worlds longer than we want to be. We have to get out of them but we're too sick to move. At those times, music saves us. All kinds of music. We listen, we laugh, we cry, as we create new memories with new music or conjure up memories with the old. Video game worlds help as well. (I never thought I'd be so thankful for video games for my children.)

When all those worlds have to be tucked in at night, we dream. If we were able to truly live, what would we do? What is important to us? Why? We dream, we hope, we pray.

Sometimes we get impatient. Sometimes we forget how sick we are. Or maybe we just keep trusting that we will be better...soon. An opportunity comes to help us live out our dreams. We have to try. We are still on this planet and we are breathing, as I mentioned before. We aren't bedridden and if you don't look too closely, we don't look that sick. So we push ourselves to have company over, go out and sing in choir, audition for a play, help make a movie, or book a trip to the midwest to visit family. We take the risk. Our adrenaline starts flowing. Our smiles get brighter.

One day we won't have such harsh consequences afterwards. One day we'll wake up and we'll be able to do so much that we'll be too busy to try to live out our dreams. Or maybe that's what this time "away" has taught us - not to be.


Sherry said...

To anyone who may have read this post in the a.m., I edited this post in the afternoon as I wasn't satisfied with how I had ended off and also, as Erin would tell you, because I am a consummate editor. (That bit of info might help you as you read my posts in the future as well...they mysteriously change every now and then.) Mrs. M

Erin said...

That is such a great post mom! And so true! I think as one grows older, one tends to neglect one's dreams. They get pushed aside for "life". People think if their dreams aren't realistic, they can't have them and that's that. They think they need to "get real". I think more people should try to follow their dreams, and then maybe they wouldn't seem to grow up so fast! And maybe everyone'd be a lot happier....

Enough rambling. That was a wonderful post!!

traci said...

hehe, Mysteriously change...that's great!!!

I totally agree that you should follow your dreams!
That was a really good post, Mrs. M. You have a wonderful way of writing things!!!!

alex said...

Life can feel so complex. We seek stimulation, but if we're not careful we find ourselves trapped by it. At other times we face our reality, attempt to bend to other people's expectations and forget what it is we wanted to be. How do we learn to soar while keeping our feet on the ground?

I hope I can continue to look at the world with wonder. I hope I can successfully embrace my fears. I hope I never become so busy that I forget to dream.

Sherry said...

Thanks for visiting Alex. I enjoyed your comments. Well said. Mrs. M